How to be present with your kids

You hear it all the time — “Be present with your kids.” But how exactly do you do that? We break the advice down into simple, actionable steps that you can use today.

What does being present even mean?

Being present, also called mindfulness, is the act of paying attention to your current thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and immediate surroundings. The opposite is distraction, or thinking about things in the past or future.

You can be present with your kids by focusing your attention on your kids and whatever activity you’re doing together.

How does being present help me and my kid?

For you as an adult, there’s plenty of empirical evidence of the benefits of mindfulness; including reduced stress, increased mental focus and greater satisfaction with relationships. Let’s focus on the relationship part because it has benefits for your kid as well.

When you’re attentive and responsive to your kid, they feel safe and seen by you. Research shows that kids that form strong bonds with their parents are more resilient in the face of stress and have better relationships as adults. They’re even more likely to graduate high school and college.

Stepping back for a minute — the scientific literature confirms what you probably already know. What your kid wants and needs more than anything else is your time and attention. Only you can provide that, and it comes with a big reward — a happier life for both you and your kid.

Being present with my kids is hard. Help.

We know how hard it is to be present with your kids all the time. Work demands your attention. There are things to be done around the house. And doing your toddler’s favorite puzzle with him for the third time in a row is a drag. Take heart because you’re not alone and there are solutions. Here are some of the most common obstacles to being present and practical steps to overcome them.

Problem #1: You can’t stop thinking about your to-do list
Solution: Schedule time to spend with your kid

For example, if you finish work at 5pm and your kid goes to bed at 7pm, set aside those two hours to strictly be present with her. At 7pm, you can go back to your to-do list. Setting a definitive beginning and end to parent-kid time helps unload some of the anxiety around the things you’ve left undone, and allows you to stay checked in with your kid.

A second tip: Telling yourself, “I only have two hours to spend with my kid” will make the time will feel more precious and less burdensome. This mental shift works on longer timescales as well. Reminding yourself that you have only eight years before your kid heads off to college makes you appreciate time with her even more.

One last suggestion: You may want to redefine what a productive day means to you. Consider adding “Having a meaningful interaction with my kid” to the top of your list, above other errands and work-related tasks.

Problem #2: Playing with my kid is boring me to death
Solution: Take your focus off the activity and focus on the interaction with your kid instead

Going back to the puzzle example — instead of ruminating about the mindlessness of fitting the same pieces together over and over, turn your attention to your kid. What does he enjoy about it? What new thing can you learn about him through this interaction? What does he talk about as you’re working on the puzzle together?

A second, rather obvious, way to avoid boredom is to choose activities that you both enjoy. If you and your kid both enjoy being outside, go on a walk together. If you both like building things, grab some blocks and play with them together.

Problem #3: I can’t seem to put down my phone
Solution: Turn on Do Not Disturb mode

Both Apple and Android phones have a feature that lets you turn off all notifications. You can even customize your settings so that only important calls or texts come through. Before you spend time with your kid, take a few seconds to turn on Do Not Disturb mode. You can catch up with your notifications when you’re done playing.

Another helpful feature, called “Downtime” on iOS and “Digital Wellbeing” on Android, lets you schedule time to automatically shut off access to your apps. You can still get to your apps, but you’ll need to enter your passcode. That little psychological barrier can be immensely helpful for setting limits on screen time and allowing you to focus on your kid.

If all that is too much technological nonsense for you, just stick your phone in a drawer in another room. Problem solved.

Summary

Being present with your kids is the act of tuning into what you and your kid are doing, at this very moment. Mindfulness offers real mental and emotional benefits for you and your kid, but you have to put it into practice.

While there are obstacles, such as busyness, boredom and devices, there are simple steps that you can take to overcome those obstacles and be fully present with your kid. Practical steps include:

• Set a definitive beginning and end to the time you spend with your kids
• Tell yourself “I only have 1 hour (or whatever your time limit is) to spend with my kids”
• Redefine what a productive day means to you. Put interaction with your kid at the top of your to-do list
• Choose activities that both you and your kid enjoy. If you do start feeling bored, take your focus off the boring activity and focus on the interaction with your kid instead
• Enable Do Not Disturb and Downtime on your phone. Or put your phone in a drawer.

We hope that you’re able to enjoy time with your kid today. Give some of these tips a shot and let us know how it worked out for you! And if you have any other tips that we missed, please leave us a comment and let us know!